Well America, we’re back! Much like Brett Favre, we just can’t walk away from the game. But instead of retiring and coming back(and repeating that process multiple times), we have just reinvented ourselves. Unlike Kobe changing his number from 8 to 24 to shed his negative image as an (alleged) rapist, we are coming back with the same intentions. To rape people, in a metaphorical sense.
It’s sort of like EVERY Star Wars movie, and we are the Death Star. Yes, the Death Star gets blown up, but you can bet your ass that we will be either rebuilt or in the rebuild process( i.e. 76ers) every movie. That is, until, we are inevitably blown up and are forced to go back to rehab rebuild yet again. It’s been awhile, but rest assured we will be bringing you only the highest quality material we can create.
*But seriously, why the fuck is the Death Star in every movie, and their shield’s generator on some desolate wooded moon/planet? You would think the Empire would learn from their mistakes… Clearly, they need to make the shields harder to disarm. If Norton Anti-Virus can incessantly nag you, 3 months out, that your subscription is about to expire I’m sure they have the technology to alert them of Rebel scum infiltrating their control room. At least that way they can download any necessary, albeit virus-filled, videos they may need in case they can’t afford to renew their subscription. Seriously, there is one way to destroy it, an exhaust pipe the size of a basketball. You can’t conceal that flaw a little better? And do something about that damn unfinished station leading to the reactor core chamber, will ya? I mean, most logic would say that should probably be the FIRST thing you finish. I know, I know, “but the gap is only large enough for a single, skilled pilot to maneuver through. How were they to know?” That’s fine, the first time. But when you rebuild it, then build a slightly larger and newer Death Star, with essentially the SAME architectural flaw, you might want to start thinking of deviating from that plan. All of that taxpayer money and what’s the result, a couple of planets destroyed? It has two functions. To house a shit ton of Storm Troopers, and to blow up planets. What are they doing with their time? I could understand if there was shit to do inside of it, but from what I’ve seen its just a lot of useless rooms and corridors essentially leading to the same place. Destroy more planets, dammit! Maybe if they were utilizing it’s incredible power, they wouldn’t be going on their like, 5th Death Star. And don’t worry, our reboot of a classic sports blog will not be a cheap carbonite-copy(*cough JJ Abrams. You don’t deserve another Star Wars movie.) but alas, it will be new and exciting and actually fulfilling it’s primary purpose. To destroy planets, metaphorically.
**For shame JJ Abrams, for shame.