Batting For The Other Team

In case you’ve been oblivious to the headlines or just prefer to look at jezebel all day , there’s allegedly an active gay athlete contemplating coming out of the closet. This obviously being big news for various reasons. The first one being that professional sports as a whole has historically been pretty butthurt about this topic. Jocks? Insensitive to gays? Never. Several athletes have openly revealed their views on the matter in the past, we can thank Tim Hardaway for opening those flood gates per his remarks in ’07 when he straight up told ESPN “I hate gay people.” Ya, good one Timmy. Since then other athletes such as former New York Giants receiver and Superbowl hero David Tyree have chimed in on the issue, with Tyree even going so far as to say that he would give up his game winning Superbowl catch against the Patriots just to exclude gays from professional sports. Recently though the tide of opinions on this matter has seen a change. This past season 2 NFL players  kick started a campaign advocating gay marriage. The only problem here is that one of these players rides the pine all day and the other punts balls for a living- so lets not kid ourselves, no one gives a fuck about what these guys have to say regarding any subject in life. The second and most important reason why I’m writing about this is really addressing everyone’s initial reaction on this story: who’s going to be the guy that thrusts through the butthole barrier. Others have come out, but never DURING their careers and considering Mr. Hardaway’s remarks you can’t really blame them. For fucks sake I can’t even bring myself to publicly admit that I enjoy drinking citrus flavored spirits, cried during Lion King when Mufasa died, consciously listen to SportsCenter in the background while masturbating  and may or may not have watched an episode of the HBO series “Girls.”  Regardless of any of that NOT being true, I repeat NOT, you get the point of what I’m getting at here. Sheer statistics indicate that there currently are gay athletes in locker rooms, and personally I think its only a matter of time until the barrier is broken- rightfully so. BUT, since the covert fabric of human nature will inevitably strip us of the truth behind who this athlete is, I’m going to do what I do best and half-assedly speculate about who I think it is/should be. Fortunately for me, I took my talents to Bush League Sports rather than ESPN so I’m realistically only looking at about a 3-4 cigarette fine for making this list.

The qualifications for the list are A.) The athlete obviously must still be currently playing B.) Must play a big 4 sport (hockey, football, baseball, basketball) excluding soccer because its just assumed that anyone who plays soccer is gay and C.) Must be white because we all know black people are far more masculine in appearance than their white counterparts, if you think otherwise than you must’ve watched too much of MTV’s  The Real World or have never seen Eddie Murphy’s world renown skit, “Delirious.”

#1 Steve Nash

If you’ve ever seen Steve Nash as is, yet alone seen him walk, talk, or play basketball this was a no brainer for the #1 most likely athlete. The conspicuous hairdo, the cardigan/skinny tie wardrobe preference, the timid tone of speech- not to mention Stevie has made his living at helping other guys get theirs. Hey, if you were sharing a locker room with Kobe Bryant would YOU come out of the closet? I don’t think so. Married you say? Fuck that. Also, he recently got divorced so maybe he was just preparing himself for the big announcement…

Stevie coppin’ a feel

#2 Tim Tebow

Again, this too shouldn’t have cum as a surprise to many. Right off the bat we know this man is a virgin. However, I’m calling bullshit behind the “religious” motives for this decision. I’ve seen one priest-molester-story too many to keep on believing that shit and ultimately I think it’s a cover up for his sexual preference (I’m looking at you too, Manti). Lastly, if I was gay, I’d WANT Tim Tebow to be the face of this new transition in sports. He’s marketable, he won the Heisman, he’s a winner, everyone already owns his jersey- In the words of ESPN, “You can’t get enough Tebow” amiright or amiright?

Its okay Tim, only real men cry

#3 Jeremy Lin

Okay, I’ll preface this by saying if you haven’t seen the show Angry Boys this selection probably makes 0 sense to you, if you have seen the show Angry Boys then this selection makes 100% sense to you. Jeremy Lin has already embraced being on the Mt. Rushmore of Asian athletes, that being said I can easily see him blazing a new path: fucking gay style. Gay people on average already make more money than straight people.  Asian-Americans (probably) on average already make more money than stoopid razy American. Put them both together? HOLY SHIT BALLS all of the sudden you have a god damn money making machine. I can see Lin coming out for the sole purpose of being the richest man alive afterwards.

#4 Sidney Crosby

Those irresistible rosey cheeks, the willingness to bang bodies along the boards, and his unparalleled ability to control the stick all land Sid the Kid on my board. Recently gone on the DL with a broken jaw allegedly after taking a puck to the face, you’re not fooling anyone though Sid, we all know that wasn’t the rubber that caused this stint.

I said what what in the butt

#5 Tim Lincecum

As far as I’m concerned, whether they know it or not, any dude with the word “cum” in their last name probably isn’t straight. Cue the girlish figure with the girlish hair and abnormal flexibility and all of the sudden this all makes sense. Lincecum has also been under scrutiny recently for his noticeably bad decline last season, maybe he’s been weighing on this decision for some time now. Mind you, Lincecum is also in the PERFECT market for such a decision to not only be shielded from any local repercussions or threats, but also this sort of decision would almost certainly all but secure Timmy’s spot in San Fran’s rotation until he’s Social Security eligible.

The writing is on the wall