Before everyone tries to cut off their genitals at the thought of loving hockey, settle the fuck down and hear me out. Why? Because what I’m about to say will never be uttered on ESPN or any other network not named NBC. Every year during the months of April and May I’m always reminded of why I love the NHL. As the NHL season begins to transition toward the playoffs, so too does the NBA, and the juxtaposition between these 2 leagues underscores the beauty of the sport.
Let me start off by recapping the NBA regular season, and partially preview the inevitable aspects of the post season. The 1 seed in the Eastern conference was determined before the season even began. The teams everyone thought were going to be in the finals, aside from the shitty ass Lakers, (Thunder, Spurs, Clippers, Heat) are EXTREMELY likely to make the finals. None of the 8 seeds are going to beat the 1 seeds. Seeds as a whole have already been locked up leaving the elite teams no other choice but to rest their players. The scoring title this year is about as worthless as one of those free shitty condoms made in Taiwan because everyone already knows who the best player in the league is. The vast majority of teams that sucked balls last year still find themselves on their knees (Raptors, Wizards, Bobcats, Cavs, Pistons, Magic, “Pelicans”). We all look forward to the playoffs because the discrepancy in play between the regular and post season in the NBA is larger than any other major sport. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE basketball- but the reoccurring themes of the NBA, namely the predictability and insignificant regular season, piss me off more than imagining that 14 year old chinese fuck winning The Masters.
In regards to the aspects mentioned above, where the NBA struggles the NHL thrives. We’re only 2 weeks away from the playoffs and only 3 teams have clinched playoff berths. Predicting the bottom seeds at this point would be like fathers day in the hood- its just about any ones guess. Out of the current 8 teams in the Eastern Conference that are slated for the playoffs, 3 of these teams were not even in the playoffs last year, with the third worst team in the league last year currently being a 2 seed. The top 3 seeds in both conferences look completely different from last. The 8 seed won the finals. The MVP award is far from a lock and the scoring title is entertaining faces that no one had going into the season.
I’m sure many of you are going to argue that the reason this predictability and lack of parity exists in the NBA is because of mega teams like the Heat and players like LeBron shitting on everyone’s dicks. BUT that’s exactly my point. Hockey will always have parity because it takes much more than 1 player to secure a teams fate making it impossible to create these juggernauts. Take someone like Wayne Gretzky for example, the Michael Jordan of hockey. You know how many titles Wayne Gretzky won during the prime of his career? SHIT. Michael won 6 creating the same predictability we see in today’s NBA. Even someone like Steven Stamkos, who arguably could be considered the best player in the league, guess what? His team isn’t making the playoffs this year. When was the last time you saw a top 3 scorer in the NBA who’s team wasn’t going to make the playoffs? The name of the game in the NBA is finding the next LeBron James. In hockey, its finding the next COLLECTION of players. THIS is the essence of competition, the essence of sport, and the reason why we love and watch the game.
To conclude, here are my top 3 reasons why Hockey makes my dick hard:
1.) Fights
You see that mother fucking picture? You know what that is? That’s 2 grown ass men dropping the gloves wanting to rip each others face off. We’re not talking Kevin Garnett “hold me back” NBA fights. When you talk shit in the NBA, at the very worst you might get 300 lb Carmelo Anthony standing by your bus waiting to slap you like a 5 year old only to runaway afterwards or hit you in the nuts the next time you square up. If you talk shit in hockey, you will be held accountable with your god damn fists just like the way god intended with the cavemen. What other sport do you know of can allow a fight in the middle of the game only to resume 2 minutes later. None. You know what the best part is? I bet you after the game these 2 guys went to the closest bar together got shit faced, chain smoked cigarettes, and had a lengthy conversation about why Slovakian girls are the biggest sluts in the world. Which leads me to my next point…
2.) Hockey Players and Coaches Are Nuts
I don’t know what it is about hockey players in particular, but its a common consensus among all other athletes that hockey players are indeed fucking crazy. First off, for reasons beyond my comprehension the hairdo of choice is mullet. None of these guys have any teeth, and moreover I’m assuming its an unwritten rule in dressing rooms that the less teeth you have to show for yourself, the bigger your dick is. It took one player writhing on the ice in pain with blood squirting out of his eyeball to finally come to the conclusion that its probably a good idea to wear a visor before you consciously launch yourself in front of 100 MPH frozen piece of rubber. The hooliganry extends well beyond the ice too, as many of these guys have already developed notorious names for themselves for their ability to get shit faced, such as American hero Patrick Kane. Jeremy Roenick even said that he never spotted a player with 6 pack abs until the later days of his career. The best part is the coaches are immune to these shit heads, because they too are bat shit crazy. I remember one game last year New York Rangers coach John Tortarella intentionally sent out his 5 best fighters to start a game, just to have his guys beat the shit out of the opposing team a half second into the game. I bet if you asked him why he made this decision he’d probably answer with some story about his dog shitting in his car before the game- completely understandable John.
3.) The Traditions
Hockey is home to some of the most bizarre traditions in all of sports. Detroit Red Wings fans throw octopus on the ice following wins to resemble the “8” victories needed to win the cup back in the day. Florida Panthers fans throw rats onto the ice following victories, after former player Scott Mellanby killed a rat in the locker room before a game via a slapshot into the wall, only to score 2 goals later that game with the same stick. However my favorite tradition of them all is the fact that after a team wins the Stanley Cup, each player is allowed 24 hours with the championship prize. I honestly can only imagine the shit that poor cup has to go through during this tenure. The 1940 Rangers accidentally light the cup on fire only to put out the flames by pissing on it, Mark Messier paraded the prize in a strip club allowing STD ridden Canadian sluts to drink out of it, baby’s have been christened in it, baby’s have pooped in it, and I’m sure baby’s have somehow been made in it.